ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Text me some of your sweat
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
