She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
