I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
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my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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