Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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