I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
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Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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