So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
