Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
