girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
