so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
