Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
You smell like stripper and shame
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
