Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
