the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
