They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
