I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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