Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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