The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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