but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
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How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
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I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night