Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
