Michael Bay diarrhea
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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