Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
