Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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