once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
