when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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