Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
