Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
