wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
