You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
