shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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