so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
