I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
