it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
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I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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