she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
