Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
