i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
