Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
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When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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