I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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