dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
nutella sex= disaster
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
