Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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