You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
