yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
