When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
