Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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