dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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