I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
