You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
