Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
