You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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