Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
its liver damage thursday
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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