the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
