I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
