Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
