dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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